How relationships can drain us and how to use meditation to re-energize & my struggle with imposter syndrome
Edited transcription of Vibrant Life Podcast, Episode 3
Today we are going to talk about relationships and how sometimes if we feel anxiety or depression, because we’ve put a lot of our energy into that relationship, and for some reason it’s not giving you energy back.
Either that person or there’s a lot of conflict going on and it’s not giving you back energy how you might feel drained, empty, lost groundedness, or very scared.
This is something I’ve experienced a lot and what we’re gonna talk about is how meditation can actually help you feel better, regain your groundedness.
What is happening during that time when you’re giving your all energy to this relationship, what’s happening, where at the end of it you’re not feeling good?
But if we don’t put our attention in the right places in a mindful way,
we could be giving ALL of our attention away.
And then when it doesn’t work, we’re left with not much.
Relationships can and I wouldn’t say should, but can often make us feel fulfilled and happy.
But if we don’t put our attention in the right places in a mindful way, we could be giving ALL of our attention away.
And then when it doesn’t work, we’re left with not much.
I’m not going to say nothing, but we’re left with picking up the pieces of ourselves, finding our groundedness again and feeling alone and scared.
So that was my experience, this past weekend because I’m taking a break from my boyfriend and I was able to find my groundedness, and I even had an Aha! about what I was doing even after all these years of meditation.
Attention is Energy.
I just think that relationships can be just huge suctions of our energy and maybe as a female, I think that, my personality is to try to give and take care of the person. I feel so helpful giving, but I can’t guarantee how that person’s going to react or if they’re going to respond a certain way. And when I give so much and have this idea that they’re going to give to me by being happy and appreciative, and that doesn’t happen, I, it hurts me.
I get really hurt. And the thing is, if that’s the dynamic of the relationship over and over again, which it has been for mine, I am so emotionally drained and I get so anxious when they leave that I get so confused. And at that point I’m not in a good place.
And so I took some time to be by myself this weekend and I meditated and I realized that part of the Vibrant Life energy formula that I’ll talk about over these podcasts is that attention creates energy and energy creates attention.
Attention creates energy &
energy creates attention.
I’m not sure if attention is actually energy, and it’s the same thing, but basically whenever we put our attention somewhere, we create energy. And whenever we put energy somewhere else, then attention goes there.
For instance, when we start working out and we start moving our legs and our feet and our toes, we start putting attention there.
Attention is Love.
Breathing and putting attention in our body is where our happiness begins.
And the interesting thing is attention is love. So it’s a crazy triangle because that means that something physical can translate into love. So when we put our attention in our body, which I believe so much, and I see during my meditation, that breathing and putting attention in our body is where our happiness begins.
I see that. And so that means that
we need to breathe, put attention in our body, create energy in our body, and create love.
When we have love in our body where we are, that’s the beginning of happiness. I’m not going to say we are happy because we might be suffering and having a really hard time as I learned.
Being attentively there for myself.
I recently did an eight day silent meditation in Hawaii where I’m from, and I’m sitting there and it’s so painful or uncertain, or I don’t feel good enough. And I’m sitting there and I go to talk to my teacher ( you get to talk to the teacher during the silent meditation) and he reminds me that it’s not about just being happy, it’s about being attentively there for myself during those difficult times when it’s not perfect. So what I’m saying here is that
Attention creates energy. Energy creates attention and attention is love.
Every single moment,
even when it doesn’t feel safe
we still need to be there for ourselves.
We need to be in our body and we need to put our attention there in our body so we can have that love that we truly seek in every moment.
Every single moment, even when it doesn’t feel safe or happy we still need to be there for ourselves.
When we’re not feeling good, it’s related to that. We’ve pulled our attention from our body.
So that is sort of like a double edged sword with relationships. For example, I realized as I was meditating how
all my separation anxiety with my partner in this relationship was because during that time I was with them, I put all my energy, all my attention, all my love into them and the relationship, which means that I wasn’t putting it in myself.
I mean, not like there was nothing there, but it took a lot of my resources. And so when they left and I felt like they weren’t there for me in the same way, it hurt because I was left with little, a little amount of love and attention.
My cup was not full.
I put my, my attention, all my resources in my cup into a separate cup that was the partner and the relationship, and then when that cup left and when that person left, it was so hard for me.
I had a lot of anxiety. I didn’t even know where to begin.
My mind would race. I was scared about the littlest things just because I was alone. And a lot of self-criticism, like,
“Oh, I should be better or I should be fine”, or
“This is so embarrassing. Someone leaves and I freak out and I can’t even like operate normally.”
Meditating and putting that attention back into myself.
This weekend I realized I’m putting the energy back into myself and I could feel that energy.
And in another podcast I’m going to talk about why energy is so important, and although it won’t directly just create happiness, there’s a different dynamic and it will be surprising about what energy is really in our life.
But I meditated and I felt grounded. I felt safe to be by myself again and felt connected to myself because, Our body is our home.
Our body is our home.
Once I felt grounded again I was like, you know what? I’m going to journal. I’m going to envision my future. I’m going to be excited!
So that was lesson one. And if you relate with that, make sure to comment or message me or comment in one of my social medias that I still need to make, well, I actually do have an Instagram, but it always gets dusty that Instagram.
I just want to give you faith that
if you take the time to meditate and breathe into your legs, feet, chest, lungs, back, whole body,
you’ll find your grounding again.
But if you relate to this challenge, giving your energy to a relationship and kind of losing yourself, and then not knowing what to do when they leave, and then feeling like that sort of needy person, girl who doesn’t know what to do when they leave, maybe this rings a bell,
I just want to give you faith that if you take the time to meditate and breathe into your legs, feet, chest, lungs, back, whole body, you’ll find your grounding again.
You will, and it may take longer than a 30-minute, one-hour, two-hour, even one day meditation because maybe you’ve spent your whole life or the past five years just giving to this relationship and all the other relationships in your life and, and then having a self-hate kind of self-criticism conversation when you can’t be the person you want to be.
And I’m just saying that I get it and I’ve been there. So hang in there and find space and time to start your self-rejuvenation process. And, the best thing is you don’t need anything!
You just need time and, and you just need a space to sit down and breathe and practice the technique of meditation.
One last caveat that if you try to do this, let’s say you’re a new mom, you have a baby and you want to go to the gym. I think that’s really great, but just know it’s harder to get as deep into your meditation when even 5% of your attention is pulled. So don’t assume it’s not working. If your life is filled with things to do that you can still do it on the train, or while you’re breastfeeding.
It’s going to be helpful. Start where you are. Start with within the schedule that you have and, and then eventually you need to make sure you cut out time, at least 20 minutes where you really, really sit and you put that attention in your body.
Dealing with imposter syndrome.
Second topic, I’m just going to share with you what I’ve been working on. So I recently sold my business I mean, goodness, yeah! I had a gym in Brooklyn, it was a woman’s gym, and I just love the concept and the feeling that I was inspiring people in the way that exercise inspired me every day.
And, I think I built it to a great place and then it was time to sell it. So I did that. And now I’m exploring, being a support, and helping other gym owners, personal trainers, class instructors, yoga instructors to grow their business. So I’m so excited about it, but, I have to be honest, I’m super scared, and am dealing with imposter syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome Definition: Some degree of belief that we are not good enough to represent a certain role, or take on a certain responsibility. Such as a new job hire thinking they got the job by accident and not really good enough to be there.
What if I’m not good enough? Can I make sure I really help people grow? I thought to myself.
I have to remind myself what I was able to do. I turned my gym in brooklyn around a, grew it, tenfold and really made it stabilized through marketing systems and management. So I have to faith in that, but it’s so weird where that I still have self doubt.
We lets talk about the whole imposter syndrome struggle, especially working alone. So if you’re a freelancer or entrepreneur starting your new business, I hear ya, high five we got this.
I realized that, first of all, I know it’s all in my head and I’m being super self-critical.
All I have to do is focus on each step and each step I take, even if it’s just opening my computer, writing a draft email, writing down a task to do something, creating a draft blog, I make that imposter fear less true.
So I think that’s what I just have to go back to, every step that I take is one step closer to what I’m trying to do. Even if it’s small, even if no one can see it, even if it makes no money, even if it feels like a step back, such as when I was trying to sell the gym, I actually put in extra time into the gym to get it ready for the sale.
I wanted it to be a smooth sale but I felt like I was regressing from creating this podcast and my new business. So that was hard. But I think I just had to have faith and know that each step was making it more untrue, the imposter syndrome. And finally, just going back to my meditation that we we have to breathe.
We have to stay centered and know that, I know this is going to sound like contradictory to everything a lot of things I’m saying because I can be really goal oriented, but we have to remember:
Our happiness lies in being present in the moment and to breathe and feel good about who we are as a person.
Every time we breathe, and we breathe out with our whole body that’s the most truth we can have.
It’s hard because we want certainty,
and we take a lot of comfort in that,
but the future is never certain.
Do you know how many times I’ve changed what I thought I was going to do next? I still don’t know if what I just told you is actually what I’m going to do. It’s hard because we want certainty, and we take a lot of comfort in that, but the future is never certain.
Every step changes the next step. Just counting the future and my possible future, wealth and success, it takes me away from this moment. And the love I could put in my body right now so that’s what I tell myself.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
What is your take?
How does breathing help you get through that this moment?
How do you deal with relationships and things that may throw you off balance and you realize later that you took everything from your cup and put it into another cup.
What are you working on where you might feel imposter syndrome?
You might not feel good enough, but that’s just fear. You are good enough.
So share with me your thoughts on here or on social media. Hopefully I’ll get on one of those Instagrams thingamajigs and we’ll be able to connect. 🙂